The Ten Commandments of Smoot

Have been working on a memo for the entire day and need a 10 minute breather. These are compiled from the collective experience of me and a bunch of other fussy women pursuant to a blood oath of secrecy, so it's no use asking me for names.

THOU SHALT NOT:

1. Get all sweaty and eager when I tell you that my girlfriend and I are lesbian lovers just so as to avoid giving you our phone numbers

2. Hawk a spit into my mouth and then dive in after it. Antonio Banderas may have looked cute doing that, but that could just mean that Angelina Jolie has no gag reflex

3. Send me flowers and then not call or write after I confirm receipt with thanks.

4. Wear your jeans slung lower than mine. If I wanted to date Marky Mark, then I'd have returned his calls.

5. Ask the waiter for "Skyjuice" when you know perfectly well that he won't understand

6. Put a condiment into your mouth and then spit it back into the bowl (of condiments)

7. Shake my hand and then tell me you are a proctologist

8. Offer my girlfriend $100 for ten minutes with me (although if it had been the other way, I'd have taken the cash and left her)

9. Storm over to my house and kidnap my dog just because we had a fight

10. Tell me it's not your ex-wife at the next table when we all know perfectly well it is, and then ask me when we are leaving to hold your hand and wave hi to her.